Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Panibugho: A man's point of view on depression and singlehood

This is a repost of one of my old works when i was still single and was trying to climb out of depression, i am hoping that someone may get something out of my ramblings (specially those people who give advice to single people when they really do not know what the hell they are talking about). Enjoy.

Yes, as sappy as it may sound i am sentimental right now. There’s nothing wrong in admitting that i am a guy who is not afraid to show his emotions. If you are in love, why hide it? When wretched in desperation, why deny? Brand me gay or whatever you may like. I simply do not care. I refuse to be superficial. I do not want to be a hypocrite, if you had been reading my entries before, i’ve been there, i’ve done that and trouble is what i got for pretending to be somebody that i am not. If you are a stereotype "macho guy" then stop reading. This shit may be too soft or better yet too strong for your taste. I have to let loose and let some of this baggage be put in writing to help me lighten the load.

Lately i have been feeling under the weather, i just can’t seem to get over the fact that even though i am succesful in other fields like career and society, i seem to be lacking a love life.

Friends had been constantly reminding me and lecturing me on the virtues of being single, i have grown tired of it. I have heard all of the phrases there is that you can throw to anybody that you want to console, "Perhaps it’s just not your time to have a relationship", "Don’t wait for it, it has to come off naturally", "There’s someone for you out there, you just have to wait", oh for chrissakes already! I know, I know i am sounding like an ungrateful lout, i acknowledge that there is wisdom in those things that they say to me and i understand the fact that hurried love bears no fruit. I value your advice it’s just that I want to vent out, i’m not asking you guys to find her for me or to give me somebody tomorrow, i just want to let it out.

Paulo Coelho made mention on one of his books that you should acknowledge negative emotions and let it carry you since after everything has been flushed out of your system the opposite of it fills you( or something to that effect I did not direct quote him in my own will). I believe that. If you do not admit that you are sad or if you try to push away the emotion the more it pesters you, worse it may dwell in your heart and mind that it may create a monster that can be unleashed when you can’t take anymore. My point is "I WANT TO BE SAD SO I CAN BE HAPPY".

We are all insecure. I have my share of it, lot’s of it. There are times that i would ramble and find faults with myself to see if i can find the reason why i’m still single. Am i ugly? Do i dress too weird? Am i too flamboyant or weird that i scare women away? It just made me feel bad so i stopped it. I know for a fact that i am not as ugly as i think i am, i am a smart conversationalist, i have a wicked sense of humor, somewhat talented, i have a stable job and you must admit i don’t dress bad perhaps weird at times but not horrendous weird. Perhaps i just don’t go out often, or when i go out i just go out with friends. I’m not the type of person who just asks for women’s numbers, I get scared. Perhaps all of these insecurities are the root of all evil. But somehow these insecurities help us as well, it keeps us grounded, it reminds us that we are not perfect. It reminds us that we are frail, in other words "human". So it must not be the insecurities, but i am still at a loss for the reason as of why i am still single.

I know that single life may be cool and somewhat worryfree since you do not have some one that is constantlyt bugging you on your whereabouts or your activities with whosthis and whatsthat, no one that would dictate what time you need to go home, no one to call and report to…no one. On the other hand single life for people who have been single most of their lives, is plain, bland, or to better describe it let’s use the word empty. You function as a whole but there’s just this thought that something is missing. Yes, i have my friends, my family and my work to satisfy my other emotional needs, buit there are some things that they cannot give. I want to love and to be loved back. I want to have somebody to build dreams with. I want to wake the next morning with somebody by my side. I am way past wanting to get laid all the time.

I had my share of hedonism already, eventhough it happened at the latter part of my life. I do not crave it. Yes, i had frequented places where you can pay for companionship and even places where you can pay for sex. I had several rendezvous with women just for the deed and i must admit it was fun, for a while yes. But once your urges has been sated and your wallet has thinned, you’ll feel more wretched so you come back for more. I do not blame people who become too inclined to these type of activities or shall i say recreation, it is addictive. I do not feel shame for going to these places or doing those things, nor will i condemn other people for going there. I just want to say that even though i enjoyed myself on those experiences, they are temporary, more like instant coffee you get the kick and the taste but not as rewarding as the real deal. I do not want a quick fix if i want it i can get it.

To some men what i am saying right now is madness and gibberish but i think this is what separates the boys from the real men. I guess, i’ll just tread on and try to live another day and make it as eventful as i can, don’t get me wrong i love life, i just don’t love the fact that i do not have a love life.


  1. dami kasing di makaintindi no? payo ng payo di mo naman hinihingi hahahaha!